Mental Health · by Laura Gómez · 2026-10-15
Therapist told us most marriage conflict isn't about the topic at hand, it's about feeling unheard. Anyone else find this reframe helpful?
Started couples therapy a few months ago mostly over recurring arguments about chores and money. Our therapist pointed out that almost none of our fights were actually about chores or money specifically, they were about one of us feeling dismissed or unheard in the moment, and the topic was just whatever happened to be on the table. Once we started naming 'I feel unheard right now' instead of relitigating the dishes, the actual arguments got shorter and less frequent. Wondering if this resonates with others.
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Comments
Elif Yılmaz · 0 likes
this is literally gottman's research in a nutshell, the content of the fight almost never matters as much as the emotional process underneath it
Olena Shevchenko · 0 likes
my therapist calls it 'the dishes are never about the dishes' and it rewired how i see every argument ive ever had with my partner
Gentle Otter · 0 likes
naming the feeling out loud feels so awkward at first ngl but it genuinely short circuits the escalation spiral once you both get used to doing it
Oliver Smith · 0 likes
100%, the first few times felt forced and clunky for us too but it became natural after some practice
Rizky Pratama · 0 likes
couples therapy gets a bad rap like its only for marriages that are failing, this kind of stuff is honestly just useful relationship skills everyone should learn earlier
Yui Tanaka · 0 likes
i wish i learned this 10 years into my marriage instead of 20, couldve saved us both alot of pointless fighting over nothing
João Pereira · 0 likes
skeptical this works for every couple honestly, sometimes the topic really is just the topic and youre both just stressed, dont want to over pathologize every disagreement
Isha Menon · 0 likes
feeling unheard is such a universal human thing honestly, not just in marriage, ive noticed the same pattern with coworkers and friends too once i started paying attention
Haruto Sato · 0 likes
glad it worked for you two, genuinely considering bringing this phrase into my own relationship after reading this thread